Monday, 24 December 2012

A Big Thank You and a Merry Christmas!

A BIG THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO HAS BOUGHT OUR BOOKS IN 2012!

We really appreciate your support, and hope you have a cracking Christmas and a splendiferous New Year!

All the best from me, Gerald Hawksley

(and me, Otto Fishblanket!)


Wednesday, 19 December 2012

I'll take my curate's egg back!

Well, what do you know?
(Fishblanket poking his ugly mug in again, here)
Stinky Santa is back up to Number 5 in Kindle Store > Books > Fiction > Children's Fiction > Literature > Humourous on Amazon.co.uk!

I'll get them to put the goldplating back on the Rolls.

This turning out to be a rollercoaster ride! A goldplated rollercoaster ride!

Who'd have thought that I would be such an outstanding success as an author!

I have sold 154 books since publication at the start of December on Amazon.co.uk! That is £40.04, if my calculations are correct. I wouldn't have believed it if you had said that I could earn that much from my literary efforts. I am astounded! It is a shame it will all end come December 25th. But in the meantime I can bask in the glorious knowledge that I am a Number 5 (in my category on amazon.co.uk) bestselling author.

I'd better get on with my chickens book pronto!

Cluck, cluck
Otto

Otto Fishblanket's Secret Wife, and a Curate's Egg

Fishblanket reporting back!

The Hobbit film was ok. Lots of ugly creatures and lots of noisy fighting.

My Stinky Santa free promotional giveaway day was a bit of a Curate's Egg .
I have gained more five star reviews (in the USA - eight 5 star reviews now!)  but I have  
(obviously, I suppose, as I have had a day with no sales) slid down the bestseller charts.

From a high of Number 5 before I started free day down to Number 17 (in children's fiction literature humourous, UK).

So hopes of buying Mrs Fishblanket a Christmas present are fading fast, and I have asked for the goldplating to be removed from my Rolls Royce (I can always get it goldplated again later, if my fortunes improve).

(I didn't know there was a Mrs Fishblanket - GH)

Not many people do.

(But she doesn't live with us in the castle - GH)

Aah! Doesn't she?

(You mean you have a secret wife stowed away in the castle? - GH)

Anyway. I digress. I need more people to buy my Stinky Santa book. Preferably before Christmas.

Au revoir,
Otto

Oh, PS. I had written my new book about chickens. But it wasn't good enough, so I have torn it up and started again. My muse visited me last night with a new chicken book idea, anyway. I usually wake up about 3 a.m. worrying about stuff, and that's, coincidentally, when my muse pops into my head.





Sunday, 16 December 2012

FREE CHRISTMAS EBOOK FOR KIDS FROM OTTO FISHBLANKET!

Well. Another day, another update from Otto Fishblanket's publishing empire!
I have again exceeded my own expectations. I am now having my Rolls Royce goldplated.
Stinky Santa has sailed past the 100 sold mark on amazon.co.uk, and I am sitting on a great big pile of stinky cash! (£29.90, if you really want to know)

To celebrate this milestone in my self-publishing success, I will be offering an early Christmas gift!
Tomorrow, Monday 17th December, for one day only, Stinky Santa will be free!
Grab it while you can! (Unless you have already bought it - in which case, persuade someone else to grab it!)
Save 77p (or 99 cents)! It won't be offered for free again until next Christmas!

No news on my chickens book yet. I am awaiting a visitation from my Muse. That is how it works. I am merely a conduit.

There will be no update from me tomorrow, as I am going to the cinema with Mousington and Lord Treacle to see the new Hobbit film.

Bye,
Fishblanket

Click on the cover to be whisked off to Stinky Santa's home on Amazon.com!

Six 5 star reviews so far on Amazon.com! (Plus two 4 star and one 1 star)

Three 5 star reviews on Amazon.co.uk!



Free |Christmas ebook for kids
Stinky Santa Christmas ebook for kids! 


CLICK HERE TO VIEW ON AMAZON.COM
CLICK HERE TO VIEW ON AMAZON.CO.UK

Saturday, 15 December 2012

Otto Fishblanket's bestselling ebook update

Hello
Fishblanket again!

Well, after a little wobble I am going from strength to strength!
Hopefully this will give some inspiration to struggling poets and artists out there. (Well, struggling poets, anyway.)

I am (or rather Stinky Santa is) number 6 in the category thingummyjig > wotsit > and the rest > humourous on Amazon.co.uk.

And I am rapidly approaching a self-publishing milestone. Yes, I have sold 94 books so far this month!!!! Nearly 100!!!!!

That is £24.44 in cold hard cash!!!!

So help me out, I just need to sell another 6 books to reach 100! Then perhaps Amazon will send me a certificate or something.

Don't worry - I shall keep updating you on my bestseller progress right up to Christmas day!

****NEWSFLASH****

I have decided, after much soul searching and many sleepless nights, that my next book will be about CHICKENS.

****END OF NEWSFLASH****

Cheerio,
Otto

PS. And a big thank you to whomsoever bought my book.
PPS. And a big thank you to those who bought stuff from Amazon.com after clicking any of the Amazon links on this blog. (If you are thinking of buying anything whatsoever from Amazon, if you visit Amazon via the links on this blog and then purchase something within 24 hours, Gerald Hawksley gets a small percentage of the final price because he is an Amazon affiliate! At no cost to you! No obligation, of course.)

Perhaps you would like to treat yourself or a loved one to this, perhaps:
 6.15 CT Fancy Yellow and Pink Diamond Diamond Ring (FYCU 4.02ct, RD 0.67ct, Pink 0.57ct, FYRD 0.89ct)
Or maybe this. Mind you there is only one left in stock at the moment, so you had better hurry: Cyclone 4006 - Ultra High Pressure Hard Surface Cleaner, 40,000 psi water with Full Recovery

Friday, 14 December 2012

Inspirational Christmas ebook self-publishing bestseller update

Hello, Fishblanket here, with latest update!

Well,  Stinky Santa is still Number 7 in humourous children's literature bestseller list on Amazon.co.uk!

Have now sold 74 copies this month!!!

That means £19.24 in my pocket!!!

Am wondering whether to up my price from 77 pence to 99 pence. But perhaps that is being too greedy.

But looks like I am going to beat my target!!! I may upgrade my target to £2 a day!

Perhaps a bit ambitious. Maybe £1.50 a day. That would mean £37.50 by December 25th!!
It gives me goosebumps even thinking about it!!!

That would mean I could buy Mrs Fishblanket a Christmas present!!

Inspirational, indeed!

Here is  a picture from Stinky Santa!

Bye,
Fishblanket


Illustration of Santa Claus with his pets
Hello from Stinky Santa!

Thursday, 13 December 2012

Aaargh! Fishblanket wails and gnashes teeth!

Well. Fishblanket here with latest bestsellerdom update, as promised.
I have dropped out of the top 100 children's ebooks on amazon.co.uk. That was short lived. Grrrr!

But I am number 7 in Kindle Store > blah > blah > etc> humourous.

Have now sold 66 copies, though. which equals £17.16. Hoorah, anyway!

That means so far I am meeting my target of £1 per day sales!!!

Brilliant!

Bye,
Fishblanket

PS. More updates to come (hopefully).

Wednesday, 12 December 2012

My inspiring self-publishing success story by Otto Fishblnaket

Phew!
What a day!
Stinky Santa is now Number 85 out of all children's ebooks on Amazon.co.uk!

What will tomorrow bring?

For inspiration, I shall let you into some of the mindboggling numbers involved. It certainly beats working for a living!

As of this moment, since publication on December 1st, Stinky Santa has sold 46 copies on Amazon.co.uk!

That means, as my royalty on each book sold is 26 pence, so far this month I have cleared £11.96!

My target for December 25th is to make £25, or £1 a day. So spread the word, and help me out, won't you?

What happens after December 25th, I don't know. Probably not much demand for a Christmas book. I shall have to write another book. Perhaps a Valentine's Day title?

I will update you on my progress.

If you are wondering what has happened to Gerald Hawksley, he is eating biscuits and sulking. Jealous of my success, I suppose.

Toodle-pip,
Otto

Update: have now overtaken Walliams in UK bestseller chart!

Hello.
Fishblanket here!
Here is an update on my previous post.
I'm ordering my Rolls Royce now!
Bye,
Fishblanket

PS. I bet Walliams is gutted, because my book hasn't got many words in it, and his has got tons. And he paid for a proper illustrator, too, so his book hasn't got rubbish illustrations either. Tee hee!

Screenshot of my incredible bestselling success
I am a genius bestselling author, so there!

I create a stink with David Walliams!

Hello!
Fishblanket here!
Just to share my mad, crazy as stinky stinkpants news! What a giddy life I am now leading. I don't know why I didn't think of becoming an author before!

My authorial debut Stinky Santa is racing up the charts like nobody's business. If you go to Amazon.co.uk and find your way to  Kindle Store > Books > Fiction > Children's Fiction > Literature > Humourous you will see! I am now cuddling up to David Walliams in the UK bestsellers chart! See the screenshot below!

I know! I can't believe it either!

I have now made a whole £8 from UK sales! Goodness knows what that Walliams chap must be raking in! I would have thought he would have made at least  £20 by now, if not more!

screenshot of stinky santa's stinking success
Look at me! I'm a bestselling author!


Saturday, 8 December 2012

Gerald Hawksley interviews Otto Fishblanket

Here is an interview with Otto Fishblanket, author of Stinky Santa.

Gerald Hawksley (me):  Hello, Otto.

Otto: Hello.

GH: How are you today?

Otto: Very well, thank you for asking.

GH: I see your Stinky Santa book is doing very well. A lot of people are downloading it for free.

Otto: Yes. I must say I am pleased and surprised at the number of people that are downloading my book for free. I have had some nice reviews.

GH: And you had a one star review, too. They said they didn't like it that you were mean about Santa.

Otto: Yes. Although I did not mean to court controversy.

GH: What is your favourite sort of cake?

Otto: My favourite cake is Battenberg.

GH: Oh. I find that a bit sickly. I am not that fond of marzipan. I am partial to a nice Victoria sponge.

Otto: I know. A bit too partial, if you ask me.

GH: What is it like being a famous author? Are you going to give up your part-time cheese-mongering business?

Otto: I think the cheese-mongering can be put on the back-burner for the time being.

GH: Are you going to write any more books?

Otto: I am going to write 50 more books next year.

GH: That is a lot of books.

Otto: I am very talented.

GH: Can I illustrate them? If I give you some Battenberg cakes?

Otto: I'll think about it.

GH: I rode a bicycle once. Have you ever done anything exciting?

Otto: My whole life has been a rollercoaster of thrills and derring-do.

GH: What can you see out of your window?

Otto: I can see a field with cows in it.

GH: Do you like trains?

Otto: I once lived on a train for a whole year.

GH: But now you live in a castle?

Otto: Yes.

GH: With me and Mousington and Lord Treacle.

Otto: Yes. You can see the field with cows in it, too.

GH: Yes.

Otto: Shall we go and have some cake?

GH: Yes. Thank you for the interview. It was very informative. I'm sure your fans will appreciate it.

Otto: I'm sure they will.

GH: Cake.

Otto: Yes.

Thursday, 6 December 2012

Stinky Santa Christmas ebook free again!!

Otto here!
Well, thank you everyone what bought my book!
I hope you enjoyed it! I will write more soon!

I have to put it free again now, because that is what authors do nowadays.
Amazon has somewhat changed the landscape as far as us self-publishing types are concerned.
I am still trying to work it out, but I think I have grasped what they are up to, particularly as far as children's ebooks are concerned.

In the meantime, here is another picture from Stinky Santa, and the book is free tomorrow and Saturday, the 7th and 8th of December!

Illustration of Santa Claus in bed
Stinky Santa in bed with his stinky dog and his stinky cat

CLICK HERE TO VIEW ON AMAZON.COM
CLICK HERE TO VIEW ON AMAZON.CO.UK

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Here is stinky Santa's cat

Here is stinky Santa's cat, Tiddles

Illustration of stinky Santa's stinky cat, Tiddles
Stinky Santa's cat, Tiddles
The worst thing about Tiddles, I think,
is when Tiddles widdles in the sink.

Here is stinky Santa's dog

Here is a picture of stinky Santa's dog.
A picture of Santa's dog from Stinky Santa's Christmas ebook
Stinky Santa's stinky dog

He has been out in the rain, so he is extra stinky.

Monday, 3 December 2012

Stinky Santa wants a word with you

I am Stinky Santa
I stink like mouldy cheese
I have a smelly beard
And spots upon my knees

illustration from Stinky Santa, a Christmas ebook for kids
Hello, I am Stinky Santa!
Stinky Santa, a very smelly Christmas ebook for children. Only 99 cents!!!

CLICK HERE TO VIEW ON AMAZON.COM
CLICK HERE TO VIEW ON AMAZON.CO.UK

Saturday, 1 December 2012

Stinky Santa has a bath!

Otto Fishblanket here again!

Here is another "illustration" from my new Christmas book!

It's a fine life being an author, I have decided.
Obviously I don't need the money or the fame, as I have both of those in abundance already.
It is more the satisfaction of knowing millions of people will be reading my books, and having their lives made the better for it.

Merry Christmas! And do download my book while it is free.
When it has finished being free it will only cost you 99 cents anyway, and if I you purchase enough of them I might even buy Hawksley a mince pie for his efforts at illustrating it. Seasonal spirit, and all that.

Anyway, as promised here is the picture of Santa in the bath:

Illustration of Santa in the bath
Stinky Santa in the bath